Christmas with an unfulfilled desire to have children: Why Advent can be so difficult.
The Advent and Christmas season is considered a time of peace, warmth and family togetherness. Lights, candles, festive music – everything conveys harmony. But for people who are unable to have children, this time of year can be particularly painful. What is a joyful family time for many often becomes an emotional struggle for couples who want to have children. Christmas makes visible what is missing – and loud what one otherwise tries to bear quietly.
The silent pain behind the glittering lights
While families bundle their children up warmly, bake cookies and post Christmas photos, many affected individuals feel a twinge in their hearts. Not out of envy – but out of longing. The Christmas season, with its focus on children, repeatedly confronts them with the question: ‘Why not us yet?’ For some, the ‘quiet time’ becomes the loudest time of the year.
‘When will it finally happen for you?’ – When questions hit particularly hard
Hardly any other season brings as many well-intentioned but hurtful questions as Christmas:
‘So, you don't have children yet?’
‘Isn't it about time?’
‘You're at the right age now anyway…’
These phrases may seem harmless, but for people trying to conceive, they strike right at the heart. Between medical appointments, hopes, waiting and doubts, every comment adds to the emotional pressure.
Between sharing joy and self-protection: a balancing act
Many affected individuals report:
‘I am happy for the others – but I do not know how to protect myself.’
And that is precisely what makes it difficult: one does not want to envy anyone, but at the same time, it hurts. Both feelings are valid.
5 ways to get through Advent despite your unfulfilled desire to have children
1. Set clear boundaries.
You are allowed to decline invitations if it's too much for you. A simple explanation is perfectly acceptable: "This year is emotionally challenging for me, so I'm taking it easy."
2. Prepare answers to uncomfortable questions.
‘That's a sensitive topic for us right now – thank you for understanding.’
3. Create little rituals just for yourself.
Candlelight, walks, music, a warm bath – all of these things help to stabilise you.
4. Spend time as a couple – without discussing the topic of having children.
A conscious evening together strengthens your relationship.
5. Get support – including professional support.
For an initial orientation consultation at the Kinderwunsch Institut:
https://www.kinderwunsch-institut.at/en/initial-consultation/
For relationships and communication: Relationship coach Cornelia Morgen supports couples:
https://www.corneliamorgen.com
FAQ: Christmas & the desire to have children
Why is Christmas particularly stressful for people who want to have children?
Because this time of year is very focused on family and children.
How can I protect myself emotionally?
Set boundaries, practise self-care, prepare answers.
How do I deal with uncomfortable questions?
‘That's a sensitive topic right now.’
When should I seek support?
If the stress persists or your relationship suffers as a result.
Final thoughts
Christmas is not a carefree time for everyone – and that's okay. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to be sad.
You are allowed to have hope. And you are allowed to shape this Advent season in whatever way feels right for you.
Warm regards, your team at the Kinderwunsch Institut.
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